Nothing truly reliable, nothing stable can be found within myself. I have never been capable to obtain what the Buddhist magazines or people usually describe as "the Buddhist calmness" or "Buddhist serenity". As for virtues or wisdom? I know about them only from the books!
The best way to describe myself on the Buddhist path is that of a demon or evil spirit subjugated by Amida. You probably know the stories of evil spirits and demons subjugated by the Power of various Buddhas, like those related with Padmasambhava of Tibet. I realize that I am indeed like this - an evil spirit who submitted himself to Amida Buddha and has been subjugated by His Power.
How grateful I am for the undiscriminating Compassion of Amida! If I was to be abandoned to the power of my stupidity, savage impulses and blind passions, I could never escape the karmic fate of falling into the lower realms of samsaric existence.
Everyday I see my limitations and evil tendencies, and every day I give thanks to Amida Buddha for saving me just as I am.
Namo Amida Bu
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