Well, to tell you a little bit about my spiritual path I began more than ten years ago, carrying the heavy weight the existential questions that all (or most of us) ask ourselves from early adolescence. Sometimes some people keep those hard questions in a secret inner drawer but I dragged them around for years and that was what led me to alcoholism and drug addiction and also to an acute depression. I could not find answers to my old questions: Who are we in reality? Who created the universe? Why do we die and then where do we go after death? Why is there so much suffering in this existence? Why is there so much anguish and existential emptiness? Then I said to myself. "Of course we are sinners, that's why all of these bad things happen... is what the Bible says at least: that from those remote times where Eve ate the forbidden fruit in garden then we were all condemned and that is why we had to pay that sin with the penalty of death and pain for having disobeyed our God and this was the beginning of the journey for me.
I began to read Christian spiritual philosophy. I had a Christian tendency back in those days. But those sacred writings also left me with more questions than before, then it was when I discovered traditional Chinese spirituality: Taoism. It seemed that things were clearing up for me. Lao tzu and Chuang tzu seemed more attuned to my mindset and I practiced the way of Tao for almost five years….nevertheless, in the end after many years of self-discipline and spiritual retreats, the Tao did not seem to be in accordance with my being. I was still in the same place and the questions of my adolescence were still there - although in a more refined manner.
I
literally devoured a bunch of books around that time and then I met Shakyamuni
Buddha.
I began to read the sutras and there it all began to be clear for me, I would say that by studying I almost answer all my old questions. Now which way to go? I decided to leave the Tao and I started practicing meditation (zazen) in a Zen dojo, which I really liked to practice. The Zen style went against any rational logic. I went through approx. 5 years of practice. I received my Rakusu kesa and lay ordination. I met wonderful people and teachers. I did many retreats and I engaged in services, but I also felt that their way of teaching was not true Buddhism; it was not what the sutras spoke about as there was no mention of Nirvana and samsara which are key concepts in Buddhism. How can we save all beings if they do not teach us these core Buddhist teachings? How to escape from repeated deaths and suffering? And then I realized that I was not going to be able to do it on my own through my own efforts and practice. Even if I meditated for kalpas, I would not be able to escape samsara, neither I nor anyone else could help me get out from suffering (that’s what I thought back then).
I
finally understood that only if I could become a Buddha would I be of real help
to others but how would I do it? I knew from experience that by my own effort I
couldn't. And with all my blind passions and attachments, how do I cut through
eons of negative karma? It was then when I heard about Amida Buddha and his
salvation from a testimony of a practitioner (Shaku Joshin, member of the
Amidaji Temple, Houston, Texas) – I heard about the Buddha's teachings about
Dharmakara and His infinite compassion. Then I said to myself: “Well it's all
here. This is it. I have the answer on how to quickly become a Buddha. After this
life I simply go to your Pure Land (the Pure Land of Amida Buddha)”. And this
living Buddha did not demand sacrifices or endless hours of self-discipline and
improvement, He only told me "all the work has already been done, you must
only, have faith in me, say my Name and wish to be born in my land."
And that was the end point of all those questions of old; because I knew that in the short term I answer them (in the next life in Amida’s Pure Land).
Then the light of the Buddha of Infinite Light and Life penetrated deep within myself. As Master Shinran Shonin says “to be embraced never to be abandoned”. After that I started studying the Jodo Shinshu teachings. And I delved deeper with Amida Dharma teacher, dear Kosho Arana and then I read Josho Sensei's writings. And in my mind there was no confusion, it was as if I had already known these things forever, it was just like waking up from a dream. Although I am still a dreamer, I am now aware that this dream of suffering has its days numbered and I will wake up from it one day and become a Buddha, capable to truly help all the beings of the ten directions with true wisdom and compassion so that they too can come to this beautiful land without death and suffering and where we’ll all gone be a great family together with Amida Buddha.
Thanks to my teachers Kosho Arana and Josho Sensei for their dedication, love and patience. They are great Bodhisattvas although I know for a fact they would not like me to call them that but it is out of love and gratitude that I say it. Thank you Amida Buddha for awakening me to your incomparable Light.
Amida, you are my beloved teacher and savior. Thank you for your Light that continues to shine throughout the ten directions and in all realms. May your Light be welcomed in all places where there is suffering and pain until we are all one melted in the eternal Dharmakaya. Thanks, blessings to all of you.
UPDATE: Here is a record by Daigan of his Nembutsu recitation:
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