Don't be hungry for feelings and special experiences

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Question by Shoshin: Dear Sensei, why is it that despite my having entrusted myself to Amida (formally in Amidaji to signify my sincerity), recited his name, and wished to be born in his Pure Land, why is it that I have not felt any assurance of any kind at all up to this time.
 
I have listened to all your books, which I converted to audio your videos, every day and night, over and over, and they are so wonderfully written, but all I get is Amida is so silent, so distant, as if he did not exist.
 
I need an experiential concrete assurance of rebirth in his Pure Land. Amida seems so distant, so far away. If his light is that powerful why can it not penetrate my thick obscurations no matter how encrusted they are of blind passions?
 
Time for me is running out because of my age and health issues, and I really need assurance urgently that I shall be reborn in the Pure Land, but it all seems now like blind faith. Why? I really want to go to the Pure Land. This sense of urgency has never been so urgent for death could come anytime. Can you please help me?
Namo Amida Bu 
My answer: Dear Shoshin,
 
You complain that you did not feel any experiential assurance. I have repeatedly said in my books, articles, video teachings or direct instructions that faith is NOT a feeling. If you have faith in Amida Buddha then you simply know that you’ve entrusted to Him and you trust that He will take you to His Pure Land when you leave your physical body.
 
What is there that you suppose to feel or need to feel? What can an unenlightened, limited mind like yours or mine can actually supposed to feel? I am tired of so many people wanting to feel something in relation with Amida and forget that their mind is unenlightened, always prone to delusion and that many things they feel or experience are actually illusions. This is why many nowadays people are fooled by various spiritual charlatans or take drugs to enter into some kind of altered state of mind.
 
I am afraid that this hungry mind of yours will not take you anywhere because it will never be satisfied no matter what it gets. This is the mindset of a hungry ghost – not being satisfied with what he has – in your case, not satisfied with the fact that Amida made His Primal Vow and manifested a Pure Land so easy to access, and especially not satisfied that Shakyamuni Buddha taught about Amida and testified to His existence. For your mind the words and testimony of Shakyamuni Buddha, Nagarjuna Vasubandhu, Shantao, Honen, Shinran are not enough because you do not have a feeling! What you are actually doing is accusing Shakyamuni Buddha and all the Masters of lying, because your hungry, unstable, unenlightened mind does not get its feelings and special experiences!
 
If you were a highly advanced Bodhisattva on one of the ten bhumis (stages), very close to Enlightenment, you would feel many wonderful things, but you have always been (in many lifetimes) a lazy spiritual person with no capacity for constant effort and you still pretend Amida to make you feel things. The fact that Shakyamuni Buddha and the Masters of the past testified about Him and His salvation does not satisfy you, because you do not have special feelings! Then go and practice ascetism, attain Samadhi and you will get your feelings and your special experiences, but be careful that many Masters warned those who do self-power practices that if they get attached to their feelings and special experiences then they can be easily mislead by Maras. Anybody who is not entrusting oneself to Amida Buddha will be easily fooled by Maras or evil spirits who can give him false samadhis and false spiritual experiences which will surely be more pleasant than the everyday life one is supposed to have due to his karma.
 
Be careful that this hunger for feelings and experiences will lead you astray and make you an easy prey for various false teachers and spirits who are experts in making you feel something nice but that comes in the same package with subtle wrong views that will make you miss the chance to be born in the Pure Land. You surely can’t afford this at your age when you are close to leaving your human body which is so hard to get in many kalpas!
 
So, come to your senses and realize that you have what you deserve. You made yourself whatever you are and now you blame Amida or consider Him not worthy of trust because He does not give you a feeling or experience? Why haven’t you worked hard in your spiritual life or be virtuous enough so that you have better karmic conditions and better spiritual experiences in your old age?  
 
Your assurance is the testimony of Shakyamuni Buddha and the many great Masters who taught that Amida is a real living Buddha, His Pure Land a real enlightened place and that His salvation is true and real. That is all you get at your low spiritual level and you should say THANK YOU for this, instead of moaning and complaining. It is time you make a choice, put your hunger for special feelings aside and entrust to Amida because Shakyamuni Buddha and many Masters of the past assured you that His salvation is true and real, or continue to moan and complain that you do not get your feelings and special experiences. You decide!
 
Amida’s Light is all powerful in the sense that it can penetrate everywhere and sterilize the seeds of your karma which, without His help, would make you be reborn again in samsara. But this Light is not all powerful in the sense that it cannot enter close minds or minds that instead of being open to it, are hungry for feelings and special experiences. No light can enter through closed windows or through the windows of a hungry ghost spiritual mentality which is never satisfied with what Amida offers to him, nor satisfied with the words of Shakyamuni Buddha about Amida. Such a hungry ghost attitude will never be satisfied no matter what it gets.
Women who are too arrogant or greedy cannot be satisfied no matter how many jewelries you give to them, so although generosity is always manifested in front of their eyes, they cannot appreciate it and their hunger is not satisfied. Even if Amida is a living, active Buddha, who extends His hand to you, still you refuse it because you don’t get your special experiences.
Remember that your unenlightened eyes and unenlightened mind can’t see what is above their level. As Shinran said:
 
“Although I, too, am in Amida’s embracing Light,
My evil passions hinder me from perceiving it,
But His Light of great compassion never ceases to shine on
me untiringly."
 
Although we cannot perceive it with our unenlightened eyes, Amida’s Light that we accept in our minds and hearts through faith (shinjin) always shines upon us, keeping us in its safe embrace (safe from wrong views, safe from falling again in samsara, etc ):
 
“My eyes being hindered by blind passions,
I cannot perceive the Light that grasps me;
Yet the great compassion, without tiring,
Illumines me always.”
 
So, we cannot perceive various things nor feel special feelings because our mind is still an ordinary mind until we are born in the Pure Land. Faith is NOT satori, but it coexists with our unenlighted mind and its delusions and blind passions.
The work of Amida’s Light is to sterilize our karmic seeds and make us being born in His Pure Land, but this seems not enough for you because your hungry mind wants to get its special feelings. Again, abandon and let go to this hungry ghost attitude because there is no solution to it and it will always make you feel that whatever Amida does for you is not enough.
 
Accept yourself for what you are – an ordinary person who, due to his karmic limitations, cannot see more than what his flesh eyes are able to see. Then, base your faith in Amida on the testimony of Shakyamuni Buddha and the Masters.
 
To spend eons of time in spiritual laziness without practicing seriously so as to develop special spiritual capacities to help you see far, then blaming Amida for not doing more than His Primal Vow for you, that is, not doing more than practicing many kalpas to create a special Pure Land for you, is the attitude of an ungrateful hungry ghost who can miss the chance to be born in the Pure Land. Amida is not far from you and is a living Buddha but you can easily come to deny His existence and the testimony of Shayamuni due to your hungry ghost mentality. Please come to your senses!
No matter how many books I write or what our members say, unless you let go to that hungry ghost spiritual mentality, nobody can help you. Being member in a good sangha like Amidaji is not enough, too. One can stay hungry even in the middle of a feast for his eyes are not able to appreciate the food.  
Namo Amida Bu,

Shoshin: Dear Sensei, this is the most convincing, most penetrating reply in my life. It's as if Amida himself is talking to me, I just know it. I'm so overwhelmed with gratitude right now this is all I can say. If all the Buddhas of the ten directions validate the words of Shakyamuni about Amida, how stupid of me not to see what's so obviously convincing.

Thank you Amida, thank you Amida, thank you Amida!

Namo Amida Bu