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| Photo from the first wedding ceremony officiated at Amidaji temple |
The woman should pay attention and contemplate what He said about the duties of a good wife and the man should pay attention and contemplate the duties of a husband.
The followers of our tradition should empty their cup (mind) of modernist and worldly ideologies and listen deeply to the Buddha’s teaching. To those who argue that such teachings on couples should be changed and adapted to our so-called “modern times” and “modern views” I say that the reason we have so many marriage problems, broken couples, destroyed families and neglected children nowadays is especially because such teachings and instructions are not carefully observed anymore. It is because men are not willing to assume the role and duties of husbands and women are not capable to assume the role and duties of good wives.
No
matter in which age we live the natural differences between men and women will
always remain the same, and the instructions of Shakyamuni Buddha whose
enlightened mind and wisdom is supreme and could foresee the future, should not
be changed or neglected by unenlightened people.
According to Him, there are four kinds of marriage:
‘Householders,
there are these four kinds of marriages. What four? A wretch lives together
with a wretch; a wretch lives together with a goddess; a god lives together
with a wretch; a god lives together with a goddess.
And how does a
god live together with a wretch? Here, householders, the husband is one who
abstains from the destruction of life ... who does not abuse or revile ascetics
and brahmins. But his wife is one who destroys life ... who abuses and reviles
ascetics and brahmins. It is in such a way that a god lives together with a
wretch.
Commentary:
We
can clearly see from the above that a couple should never engage in sexual
misconduct, never lie to one another, do not consume intoxicants (including
alcohol) which leads to negligence in moral and domestic affairs, do not be
stingy, be respectful towards religious teachers, etc. The moral guide of
Amidaji is available in the 14th fascicle of Amida Dharma where you can also read about sexual misconduct, so I
will not insist here on it.
The ideal situation of a married life is that both husband and wife are virtuous and observe Buddhist morality. It is only then that the family will be harmonious and they will experience less suffering. More than this, such a virtuous couple where both share the same faith in the Buddha Dharma and the same moral standards has the karmic cause of staying together during the present life and the next. Although they are very rare nowadays, we sometimes see old couples who get along well, never fight and love each other like when they were young. Such people have the karmic seeds explained by Shakyamuni in the following passage:
'Venerable sir, ever since the young housewife Nakulamātā was brought home to me when I too was still young, I am not aware of having wronged her even in my thoughts, still less in my deeds. Our wish is to be in one another’s sight so long as this life lasts and in the future life as well.’
Self-restrained, of righteous living,
They come
together as husband and wife
Full of love for
each other.
Many blessings
come their way,
They dwell
together in happiness,
Their enemies
are left dejected,
When both are equal in virtue.
Having lived by Dharma in this world,
The same in
virtue and observance,
They rejoice
after death in the deva-world,
Enjoying
abundant happiness.’”[2]
Some specific virtues are especially emphasized here like being faithful (very important!), self-restrained, generosity, righteous living, etc. Usually people influence each other to do bad things, but such a virtuous couple becomes a place of goodness and light in the world, so it is natural that they experience happiness and cannot be separated by those who hate them. Thieves can only enter a house with an open door, but nobody can enter a strong house with iron doors of virtue. The more a couple is faithful to one another and lives in purity, the less chances are to separate them.
“There are five ways in which a husband should minister to his wife as the western direction[3]: by honoring her, by not disparaging her, by not being unfaithful to her, by giving authority to her, by providing her with adornments. And there are five ways in which a wife, thus ministered to by her husband as the western direction, will reciprocate: by properly organizing her work, by being kind to the servants, by not being unfaithful, by protecting stores, and by being skillful and diligent in all she has to do. In this way the western direction is covered, making it at peace and free from fear.”[4]
So, a husband must respect and honor his wife, be faithful to her, allow her to manage the internal affairs of the household (this is what is meant by “giving authority to her”) and offering her gifts. Even if nowadays many women go to work, the man should consider that it is his main duty to provide for the family and be sure that wife and children have everything they need. Generally speaking, the husband is the provider and protector of the household and the woman is the keeper of the house.
A good wife should take care of the husband and family by doing housework and managing the income brought to the house. This is what is meant by “properly organizing her work”. As we see, this work is related with all aspects of the internal affairs of a household like “protecting stores” which means properly organizing supplies, food and all things that are necessary in a house. She has to be skillful in all of this.
It is the natural way of things that a wife and mother focused and dedicated to her home will surely make a balanced and happy family, while one that is often absent will lead to problems and difficulties. Shakyamuni insisted that the role of wives is to take care of the household, as we can also see from this passage:
“On one occasion the Blessed One was dwelling at Sāvatthī in the Eastern Park, in the Mansion of Migāra’s Mother. Then Visākhā, Migāra’s mother, approached the Blessed One, paid homage to Him, and sat down to one side. The Blessed One then said to her: ‘Visākhā, when a woman possesses four qualities she is heading for victory in the present world and is successful in this world. What four?
And how is a woman capable at her work? Here, Visākhā, she is skillful and diligent in regard to her husband’s household chores, whether with wool or cotton; she investigates the appropriate means and is able to act and arrange everything properly. In this way a woman is capable at her work.
And how is a woman one who manages the domestic help? Here, Visākhā, in regard to her husband’s domestic helpers - servants or workers – she knows by direct inspection what they have done and failed to do; she knows when they are sick and healthy; and she distributes to each the appropriate share of food. In this way a woman manages the domestic help.
And how does a woman behave in a way that is agreeable to her husband? Here, Visākhā, a woman would not commit any misdeed that her husband would consider disagreeable, even at the cost of her life. In this way a woman behaves in a way that is agreeable to her husband.
And how does a
woman safeguard her husband’s earnings? Here, Visākhā, whatever her husband
brings home - whether money or grain, silver or gold - she succeeds in
protecting and guarding it, and she is not a spendthrift, thief, wastrel, or
squanderer of his wealth. In this way a woman safeguards her husband’s
earnings.
When, Visākhā, a
woman possesses these four qualities, she is heading for victory in the present
world and is successful in this world”.[5]
So, a married woman should be a good housewife, know how to do “household chores” and manage properly everything inside the home. She should cook for the husband, wash and take care of his clothes, know how to sew and work with various materials like wool or cotton, or how to manage the needs of all family members and people who help or work for the family.
She should be able to properly organize everything
inside the house.
Shakyamuni knows deeply the true needs of men and women and what makes them happy, unlike modern ideologies that only excite our egotism and blind passions, offering a mirage of happiness and finally leading to breaking of families and suffering.
A
natural man, that is, a man untouched by modern ideologies, will always appreciate
a good meal cooked with love by his woman, a clean house touched by her skilful
hand, and a wife that behaves in a way that is pleasant and respectful to him (“she behaves in a way that is agreeable to
her husband”). Also, a natural woman will enjoy a man who is attentive to
her, who provides her with ornaments and various presents (“providing her with adornments”), and who can offer stability,
safety and protection. This is the natural way of men and women and
Shakyamuni’s advice is meant to make us happy by living a natural and healthy
family life.
However,
this does not mean that a wife should neglect her spiritual needs by focusing
exclusively on her household duties. Shakyamuni said:
“But when she possesses four other qualities, she is heading for victory in the other world and is successful in regard to the other world. What four? Here, Visākhā, a woman is accomplished in faith, moral discipline, generosity, and wisdom.
For a woman belonging to Jodo Shinshu, the above words may be understood in the sense that she considers Amida Buddha to be supreme and deserving our complete faith and devotion. A good wife should be a faithful devotee of Amida Buddha and help maintain a religious atmosphere in the family.
Master
Padmasambhava also said:
“Since women have the most control over immediate circumstances, be generous with your meals. […] Since they are karmic creditors from the past, make sure your offspring embrace the Dharma. This will help you in this life and help them in the future.”[7]
This means that a woman should never be stingy with her husband, children and relatives or hungry beings. She should give generously; make good meals and cookies for her family while also preparing alms for people in need which she can offer in the name of her dead relatives and all beings. Also, she should take care of the Buddhist education of the children by being an example of faith herself.
Shakyamuni said:
“And how is a woman accomplished in moral discipline? Here, Visākhā, a woman abstains from the destruction of life, from stealing, from sexual misconduct, from false speech, and from wines, liquors, and intoxicants, the basis for negligence. In this way a woman is accomplished in moral discipline.”[8]
To “abstain from the destruction of life” means first and foremost that she never makes abortion which is killing her own child. This is extremely important and couples who wish to be married at Amidaji must promise that they will never resort to abortion. She should also not kill any sentient being. As the one responsible for cooking she should try her best to make vegetarian meals as in this way she and her family will not be indirectly responsible for the destruction of life.
Here is another passage about good wives from the sacred texts:
“On one occasion the Blessed One was dwelling at Sāvatthī in Jeta’s Grove, Anāthapiṇḍika’s monastery. In the morning the Blessed One dressed, took His bowl and robe, and went to Anāthapiṇḍika’s house, where He sat down in a seat prepared for Him. On that occasion people in the house were making an uproar and a racket. The householder Anāthapiṇḍika approached the Blessed One, paid homage to Him, and sat down to one side. The Blessed One then said to him:
‘Why are people in your house making this uproar and racket, householder? One would think they were fishermen making a haul of fish.’
‘That, venerable sir, is our daughter-in-law Sujātā. She is rich and has been brought here from a rich family. She does not obey her father-in-law and mother-in- law, nor her husband. She does not even honor, respect, esteem, and venerate the Blessed One.’
Then the Blessed One called the daughter-in-law Sujātā, saying, ‘Come, Sujātā.’
‘Yes, venerable sir,’ she replied, and she went to the Blessed One, paid homage to Him, and sat down to one side. The Blessed One then said to her:
‘There are these seven kinds of wives, Sujātā. What seven? One like a slayer, one like a thief, one like a tyrant, one like a mother, one like a sister, one like a friend, and one like a handmaid. These are the seven kinds of wives. Now which of these seven are you?’
‘I do not understand in detail the meaning of the Blessed One’s brief statement. It would be good, venerable sir, if the Blessed One would teach me the Dharma in such a way that I might understand the meaning in detail.’
‘Then listen, Sujātā, and attend carefully. I will speak.’
‘Yes, venerable
sir,’ Sujātā replied.
The Blessed One said this:
‘With hateful mind, cold and heartless,
Lusting for
others, despising her husband;
Who seeks to
kill the one who brought her -
Such a wife is called a slayer.
When her husband acquires wealth
By his craft or
trade or farm work,
She tries to
filch a little for herself -
Such a wife is
called a thief.
The slothful
glutton, bent on idling,
Harsh, fierce,
rough in speech,
A woman who
bullies her own supporter -
Such a wife is
called a tyrant.
One who is
always helpful and kind,
Who guards her
husband as a mother her son,
Who carefully
protects the wealth he earns -
Such a wife is
called a mother.
She who holds
her husband in high regard
As younger
sister holds the elder born,
Who humbly submits
to her husband’s will -
Such a wife is
called a sister.
One who rejoices
at her husband’s sight
As one friend
might welcome another,
Well raised,
virtuous, devoted -
Such a wife is
called a friend.
One without
anger, afraid of punishment,
Who bears with
her husband free of hate,
Who humbly
submits to her husband’s will -
Such a wife is
called a handmaid.
The types of
wives here called a slayer,
A thief, and the
wife like a tyrant,
These kinds of
wives, with the body’s breakup,
Will be reborn
deep in hell.
But wives like
mother, sister, friend,
And the wife
called a handmaid,
Steady in
virtue, long restrained,
With the body’s
breakup go to heaven.
These, Sujātā,
are the seven kinds of wives. Now which of these are you?’
‘Beginning today, venerable sir, you should consider me a wife who is like a
handmaid.’”[9]
The attitude of Sujata and her wish to be like a handmaid may sound awful for a feminist audience lacking wisdom and humbleness, but for a religious woman it means to be devoted and to serve her loved one. To serve is something that all authentic religious people should do. It is what I do as a Buddhist priest – I serve sentient beings, I try to take care of them by providing them with the things they need most, the Amida Dharma, and by adjusting my time and life to theirs. There is nothing wrong with serving others like a handmaid. Those who raise themselves above the others will surely fall, while those who lower themselves in humbleness will rise as authentic spiritual beings. There is a reason why at Amidaji wedding services the husband and wife bow to each other. It means they aspire to put the other one first and be without ego in their relation. It means full dedication and devotion towards each other.
At the end of this instruction on marriage I would like to emphasize that every man or woman is assured of Amida Buddha’s unconditional salvation if they entrust to Him, no matter they are good or bad husbands and wives, if they are successful at having a good family life or they have failed at this. There should be no doubt about that. However, if you want to have a better (karmic) chance for a happy marriage in the present life (people who aspire for the Pure Land can also wish to have a happy marriage until they die) you ought to follow the above Shakyamuni’s advice to couples. The teaching presented here is the ideal of a Buddhist marriage. I am sure that very few can follow this ideal, but we can all try our best.
Namo Amida Bu
[3] Shakyamuni talked about various types of relations and compared them with the six directions: “the east denotes mother and father. The south denotes teachers. The west denotes wife and children. The north denotes friends and companions. The nadir denotes servants, workers, and helpers. The zenith denotes ascetics and Brahmins (religious teachers)”.
[4] Digha Nikaya 31: Sigalaka Sutra
[5] Digha Nikaya 31
[6] The Discourse on the Woman of the Home, Anguttara Nikaya, 8:49; IV, 269-71
[7] Padmasambhava: Instruction for women on attaining
enlightenment without abandoning daily activities.
[8] The Discourse on the Woman of the Home, Anguttara Nikaya, 8:49; IV, 269-71
[9] Dicourse on the Seven Kinds of Wives, Anguttara Nikaya, 7:59; IV, 91-94, In the Buddha’s Words – An Anthology of Discourses from the Pali Canon, edited and introduced by Bhikkhu Bodhi, Wisdom Publications, 2005, p. 122-124
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